Humoring Ailment
by Jediempress
Summary: Request from Deinde. Demyx has an unusual symptom and it is going to take a specialist to figure it out. As they wait for information, Reno and several of Dem's friends discuss the possible causes. Guest appearance. Contains boys with boys. COMPLETE.


Deinde made a request for a fic involving the term Filaricide. This probably isn't as funny as she hoped but I find it humorous. This was my first and probably only time writing the vicodin-popping doc.

I don't own any of these people.

Humoring Ailment

"All right, Reno, what did you to do poor Demyx?" Zack asked with smile. Despite the easy, amused expression he wore, there was obvious concern in his voice. The ex-SOLDIER had taken a very strong liking to former Nobody.

Reno snuffed out his cigarette on the brick wall of the Healers and immediately pulled out a fresh one. "I didn't do anything, yo. I have no fuckin' clue what's wrong with him."

Beside him, Rude looked at him with worry. It was clear to Zack that the bald man understood just how upset his best friend was. Rude could read Reno as well as Zack read Cloud.

Zack sobered up and folded his arms. "So, what did happen?"

The red-haired Turk shrugged, exhaling some smoke. "I don't know. He's been feeling kinda sick for the past week but he said it was nothing big. Then three days ago, he starting feeling pain and now he's all fuckin' swollen and stiff."

Zack lifted an eyebrow, shooting Rude a quick glance. "Do they have any idea what's wrong?"

Rude shook his head. "Aerith was with him for awhile but she's at a loss. They've called in House."

The raven-haired man whistled. It had to be bad if they were calling that guy in. Dr. House only dealt with the extremely difficult and unusual cases. "Do you think this is some complication from his return?"

"Who knows?" Reno pulled away from the wall and took a few steps forward. "If it is, it's a fuckin' messed up one. What the hell kind of complication causes your nuts to swell?"

Zack took a second to process that statement. Despite his concern, he could not stop himself from laughing. "_What?_"

Before Reno could explain, Aerith walked out of the building. She tucked some hair behind her ear and smiled lightly at Zack before going over to Reno. She placed a hand on his arm and squeezed it gently.

The Turk turned to her, blue eyes large and scared. "Is he…?"

"He's the same," Aerith spoke soothingly. "He isn't getting any worse which is a really good sign."

Reno nodded, looking very relieved. He glanced back at Rude, who also appeared to relax a bit at the news. Re-fixing his attention on Aerith, he asked, "Do you have any idea what's wrong?"

Aerith worried her lip. "Well, House has several theories and wants to do all these…insane tests. I have Sephiroth keeping him inline."

Zack snorted. "If anyone can keep that guy in check, it's Seph."

The Cetra grinned. "That was my thought."

"Okay." Reno flicked his cigarette. "So, what do we do? Just wait because you all know how bad I am with that."

"Actually, House's assistant has some questions for you."

The redhead tossed his cigarette away. "I have nothin' to fucking tell her but whatever."

"Thirteen is very good at catching small details," Rude noted. "There may be something that has been overlooked."

Reno shrugged and turned. "Fine. At least I'll feel like I'm doing something to help."

He brushed past Zack and disappeared into the building. The three remaining outside were quiet for a minute before Zack blew out a breath. "He is not handling this well."

"Demyx means a lot more to Reno than he lets on," Rude explained slowly. "I doubt he even understood the depth of his feelings until now. Reno is afraid and he can't stand that."

Zack looked to Aerith who was frowning. "Is Dem going to be okay?"

"Honestly? I don't know," the woman sighed softly. "I have no idea what's wrong with him and House," she barely suppressed her shudder, "has at least ten ideas, each as unlikely as the next."

"What exactly is wrong with him?" Zack switched his attention between Aerith and Rude. "All Squall would say was that he had developed some weird affliction and then Reno…" he chuckled, "Reno just said something about swollen nuts."

Aerith bit her lip and barely smiled. "It would be funny if it wasn't so serious."

Zack's jaw dropped. "Are you kidding me?"

His ex-girlfriend shook her head. "Thirteen called it elephantiasis. It can happen nearly anywhere on the body but it's most common with the scrotom."

"Sweet Shiva," Zack muttered. "That's gotta suck."

Rude made a soft noise of agreement.

"There aren't too many things that can cause that so once House can get the information he needs, it shouldn't be too hard to figure out what's wrong," Aerith explained.

Zack narrowed his eyes, noting the hesitation in the woman's voice. He also saw the uncertainty in her eyes and the worry in her expression. "But…"

"Well, Demyx…isn't exactly a normal case." Green eyes narrowed in concern. "We don't know if because of his former status as a Nobody, if there are any unique physical traits that may complicate or exasperate the problem."

"Like Riku and that virus," Zack clarified to himself.

"Exactly. We don't know if his physiology is different."

"Hey!" Sora's slightly breathless voice called toward them as he jogged over with Zell. He came to a halt beside Aerith and looked at the three with large, worried eyes. "Is Dem okay? Leon said he was really sick or something."

"We don't know what's wrong with him." Aerith touched the teenager's shoulder in reassurance. "House is working on him."

"House?" Zell frowned deeply. He really despised the doctor. "Then it must be bad."

"I'd call swollen nuts bad," muttered Zack.

The two newcomers snickered despite their concern. "Are you serious?"

Zack nodded vigorously and held up a hand. "SOLDIER's honor."

"Ow," Sora grimaced. "Poor man. I wonder what would cause that. You don't think he's got, like one of those STDs, do you? I mean, Reno could have had one without knowing it."

"Reno is meticulous about his health," Rude adjusted his sunglasses. "At least he is in that department. If he had picked up something, which is highly unlikely despite his prior promiscuity, he would know about it."

Zell folded his arms thoughtfully. "Maybe he picked something up in Displaced Crossing. That place isn't exactly the most sanitary location."

"I'm sure that's being looked into," Aerith avoided actually looking at Zell, keeping her focus on Sora. "We'll get it figured out, don't worry."

Sora nodded. "I know. House is an ass but he's good at this stuff."

Zack snorted. "I never thought I would ever hear Mr. Warrior of Light call someone an ass."

"Well, he is!" Sora gestured widely. "I dare any one of you to say he isn't!"

"It's all just part of my charm."

The group turned toward the door. A light-haired man in his late thirties with clear blue eyes stood there. He leaned a bit, cane hooked on one arm as he popped a pill in his mouth.

"Did you figure out what's wrong?" Sora rushed out.

"With you?" The doctor blinked. "I thought you just had an overabundance of niceness. Am I wrong?"

Rude took a step closer and Zack and Zell glared at House. Aerith exhaled slowly. "What's going on with Demyx?"

"Oh, he'll be fine," The man stated easily. "He picked up a friend that's taken up residence in his lymph nodes."

"What?" Zell scrunched his face up.

"He's got a parasite?" Sora angled his head.

House looked at him in surprise. "So you aren't as dumb as you act."

Sora pouted angrily at him.

Zack placed a hand on his shoulder to keep the teen from attacking the doctor. "What type of parasite?"

"Nematode worms," the man leaned his head back and explained in a bored tone. "They're transmitted by mosquitoes and various other flying insects. The larva likes to settle down in the host's blood and the adult form will either remain there or travel to lymphatic tissue. This causes inflammation and eventually obstruction if not treated."

"Which lead to the elephantiasis," Aerith concluded.

"Bingo."

"So you can fix it, right?" Zell asked loudly.

"It's already being done," the crippled doctor pushed past Rude. He began hobbling down the street. "He'll be ready to go home by tomorrow. Won't be having sex for a few days but he'll live."

Aerith watched after him. "Where are you going?"

"Out," he called over his shoulder. "I did my work for the day."

She closed her eyes and clenched a fist. "I swear…"

"Yeah," Zell hesitated for a second before placing a hand on her shoulder. She smiled back at him a moment before pulling away.

"All right, let me see how he's doing and what they did then you guys can come in and visit." She walked into the building, leaving the four men.

"I'm glad he's going to be okay," Sora spoke with obvious relief. "I was really worried for a minute there."

Rude nodded. "Reno has to be thrilled it was something simple."

The other two agreed softly. Zack glanced at Zell with a faint smile. "I'm conflicted."

The tattooed blond grinned. "So am I."

Sora looked between them. "About what?"

"Whether we want to let this golden opportunity to torment Demyx and Reno about busted balls pass," laughed out Zack. "Now that we know Dem's gonna be fine-"

"It's hilarious!" Zell doubled over.

Sora turned toward Rude and noted that even he had cracked a smile. He chuckled. "Yeah, it is pretty funny."

"What's funny, yo?" Reno asked from the entrance.

"Nothing." Zack, Zell and Sora chimed together. Rude again adjusted his sunglasses.

The red-haired Turk narrowed his blue eyes dangerously. "Uh huh. I don't want to hear a single remark about this."

"Of course not!" Zack looked affronted. He shot a glance at Zell and Sora, who were stifling their laughter. He threw his arm around Reno's shoulder and turned him back toward the building. "We would _never_ make fun of such a horrendous affliction like worms making your nuts the size of pool balls."

Reno grumbled as the others, including Rude, snickered.

"Come on," Sora pushed past. "Let's go see how Dem's doing."


End file.
